I'd put off talking to my brother about helping out with the start-up of my business. It'd been on my mind for a few months to approach him about funding the business but I put it off because I knew pretty much what his answer was going to be and that his answer would be littered with rhetorical advice and insights and constructive criticism. All the advice was good - great in fact - but that didn't stop some of it pushing buttons I'm so practiced at ignoring.
His words have made me face up to a couple of things. First, that my inherent skill with computers during my youth led to having the world offered to me on a plate. I was poached from my first proper job at 19 with a nice wage and a grand in the bank because someone obviously recognised my talent and I was in the right place at the right time. The work was incredibly easy for me and I was praised and lauded and encouraged. When things got too big for me, we took someone else on who I trained and worked alongside and so the company expanded based on my expertise.
At 21 I met daughter's mother and she fell pregnant and everything changed. The company expanded and I got left behind, stunted by my pride and expectation that the plate would still be offered, and virtually crippled by depression and a need to focus energy on my home life. People developed and were promoted around me, the quality of my work fell off dramatically and the effort required to be a functioning member of the company wasn't put in. I probably stayed four or five years longer than I should have and I know many people resented my presence there - I don't blame them and I would have felt the same. I got into a spiral of distraction and addiction to internet chat and games, beating myself up because I wasn't doing my bosses proud and feeding the cycle of failure, blame and self-destruction.
Wow, that got a bit deeper than I thought it would, but that's good. Hopefully it shows just how deeply ingrained this behaviour is and how it formed. The advice from my brother that triggered the realisation that this is a significant part of my history was simple; he asked what I've done so far to try and get the money. He said if I really wanted it, despite my low wage I'd have saved-up or got a second job or changed jobs to increase my income so I could save money to put up against a loan.
This made me think something which didn't suprise me but does need looking at: I want someone to do it for me. If not that, at least to help me and motivate me to keep things moving. I've been aware for a long time that I lack self-motivation and need a kick in the arse to get things done. It occurs to me now that the kick in the arse usually comes along in the form of ultimatums, absolute deadlines, threat of fines or alienation. What I need is a self-kick-in-the-arse mechanism and I need to start work on one right now.
I've been given some good motivation by my brother, though. If I go out and tout for business and drop leaflets and knock on doors, not only will I get an idea of what return on 'advertising' I'll get for my business plan but I'll hopefully gain a day or two's work to tempt the bank with. If I can get my bank to agree to lend me a portion of the money I need, he'll lend me the 'deposit' portion of the start-up funds. This is a great offer because it gives me a carrot to chase. Now I need to motivate myself to get a printer, sort my leaflets out, run around a few estates here in town and see if I can muster enough work to drum up financial interest in the business.
Now, to go and read about self-motivation. I'm really pleased I've had this insight into how my past behaviour has effected how I act now and hopefully with this bit of insider information I can adjust my actions to help move me, and this new business, forward.
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