I'm going to collect our hire car after work

It's nothing special, an economical little Micra to spirit us half-way across the country. I'm going at buy CDRs so I can burn some tunes to keep us awake as we're leaving at 6am with a view to arriving at our destination in Cornwall before midday. It's a fair old trek and the weather's supposed to be pretty shit, so we're leaving early to make the most of the lack of traffic. If we hit the M4 before the mad rush starts I reckon we'll be ok.

I'm incredibly excited. I haven't felt like this for a long time, not even when we went to Charmouth a couple of years ago. This time we've got somewhere lovely and free to stay, I know daughter's going to get spoiled rotten by her grandparents and I'm going to meet with some internet friends as well as hopefully put a few miles of cliff and beach walking on my lovely lovely boots.

I'm really happy we can manage this trip at all. It's only really thanks to the taxpayer in general that our benefits are generous enough to allow us this one luxury. I kind of feel a bit naughty using back-dated housing benefit money to pay for a jolly of this nature, but I justify it by telling myself it's money I'd have saved anyway and we definitely deserve a holiday. I still have a little bit put aside for emergencies and such, so I haven't drained the pot completely, but there's still a niggle of guilt that I could be doing something better with the money.

Hang on... Better? What could be better than providing my daughter and myself a six-day adventure across the country involving musical cars, wonderful scenery and views, sea and sand, excellent company, doting grandparents and internet weirdos? A chance to get away from it all, de-stress and treat ourselves a bit?

Trip justified.

Dan le Sac vs Scroobius Pip, B Dolan and Sound of Rum at the O2 Zodiac in Oxford, 29 March 2010

Whenever I head off to a film or gig, I try to erase all expectation from my mind in the hope that I won't be disappointed. Such is my appreciation of Dan and Pip's music that I found it impossible not to be excited and full of beans as we approached the venue.

I'd heard a good report from an online contact about the gig in general, and she told me I should make an effort to see the first support act because they were pretty good. We had our fill of nasi goreng over the road and as we made our way upstairs to my preferred room at the old Zodiac the first act was in full flow. And what a flow it was.

Sound of Rum are a south-London threesome made up of poet and vocalist Kate Tempest, drummer Ferry Lawrenson and guitarist-cum-loopster Archie Marsh and his gadgetry. The first thing that came to mind as we entered was 'Shit, this is good' and they continued to impress until the end of their set. Archie's chilled chords and layered loops made for a nice full sound, Ferry's jazz-fused hip hop drums were as tight as you like and impressed further with a flawless 15/8 track. The real star of the act, as it should be, is frontwoman Kate Tempest. From the outset her lyrical style was creative and imposing without being pretentious or invasive. She seemed so into performing that it was difficult not to be entirely absorbed in the mixture of hip hop, rock and electronica. Her charming charisma and love for fluid rhyming came across from the first note to the last breath. Sound of Rum are definitely one to watch.

The second act was soloist B Dolan, an east-coast American with self-effacing humour and a sharp word for hecklers. While his loops were interesting and his style energetic, his performance was average, that I'm not inspired to write more.

The stage was set for the main event, laptops booted and wine chilled, Dan le Sac took to the stage and fired-up the choppy intro to highlight of the first album, Beat That My Heart Skipped. Scroobius Pip joined him to release his lively, kinetic UK lexicon into the wild. Brief vocal and banter-filled interludes kept us all amused; being part of a large crowd shouting 'BITCH NEXT DOOR' at the tops of their voices will stick with me forever after Dan and Pip complained about the sound in the room being subdued because of irritable neighbours.

Both Dan and Pip were really interactive and made us feel like we were part of the show. I'm not usually pleased about crowd involvement because it often seems contrived and forced and a bit weak, but they were funny and bright and without that interaction the gig wouldn't have been the same.

Not only was the banter bright, but the music was uplifting and challenging without being overtly political or dictating. Rhymes about suicide sat comfortably next to tunes about self-improvement without seeming out of place, fat jungle beats effortlessly complemented slower house-styled and hip hop rhythms. A good crowd, awesome acts and wonderful company made this gig shoot straight to the top three gigs I've ever been to.

I was going to miss her like mad

but after years of living in our small town and wanting bigger and better things, more excitement and brighter chances to meet the man of her dreams, my best friend came back from travelling last year and decided to take the plunge, find a new job elsewhere, sell her house and bugger off to the other side of the country. Fair play to her, I said; she'd be missed terribly when she went but if it'd make her happy I'd be 100% behind her. She found a cracking job, put in an offer on a beautiful house, handed her notice in at work, put her house in town on the market, started getting her head around the whole prospect of upping sticks and moving her life on, and met the man of her dreams right here in town.

Two weeks after breaking the news she was leaving, she visited in a state of complete and utter turmoil, barely able to form coherent sentences without breaking down into a babbling, head-holding ball of confusion. It appeared she'd been like this for some time. I spoke to her a few days ago and she seemed no more together and just as muddled.

I'm going to see Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip with her on Sunday. I'm not sure if taking her to a large room full of people with loud music and screams and shouts is a great idea - I fear she may short-circuit and spontaneously combust right there in the Zodiac.

I've been up since 4.45am

and that's down to alcohol and lots of stuff running around my head. I've been troubled for the past week or two and I'm not entirely sure why, but I can see the component parts and maybe get a look at the bigger picture if I splurge it all out here. I reckon I know what's going on - I'm lonely, unmotivated to get my business going, questioning the wisdom of starting the business in the first place, berating myself for not sorting benefits and housing out sooner, questioning my ability as a father, missing my good friend terribly even though she's only on the other side of town, and generally being incredibly insecure. For much of my life I've been driven by praise and recognition and I'm not getting any from anywhere at the moment. I need to work out how to provide that for myself or get on without it, and that's what this post is about.

So, to the detail.

I'm eating heaps of shit again
For the past few weeks I've found myself sneaking munch into my gob much more than recently. I'm increasingly turning to food for comfort, especially crisps. They've always been a weak point in my diet and my willpower just crumbles when I've got some in my possession. I remember being so proud of myself last year when I realised that posting to My Foood Diary had helped me revolutionise my food intake and that I'd virtually cut out all crisps from my diet. I should start writing my food diary again; I posted once a few weeks back when I realised I was getting back into bad habits but I didn't keep it up, so I've just set a daily reminder on my phone to do just that. Once I start posting again I can guilt myself into cutting back on all the crap I'm shovelling into my mouth and gain all the physical and mental benefits that come with a good diet and control over what I eat.

I'm turning to alcohol again
Another terrible habit that I'm turning to for comfort. A couple of weeks ago I posted about it being a positive thing that I'm being turned-off alcohol by knowing I'll have a crap night's sleep but I appear to have rebelled against that philosophy and just tucked in to the booze regardless of the consequences. I know this is a bad sign - that and the fact I think about having a drink every day. Some days I resist, some I give in. Typical of my behaviour is that drinking is generally accompanied my munching or bad eating decisions such as eating too late or food that's bad for me - not only while drinking but also the following day. I've covered all the reasoning behind this before in this blog and in my food blog so I won't go into it here. It's enough that I recognise the problem and take action to sort it out. Food blogging will definitely help me realise the scale of my intake, which is nowhere near as bad as it was before daughter moved in but it's enough to bother me.

I'm not motivated to get my business started
I'm having big bouts of self-doubt about this whole new business idea. It's so hard to get motivated without someone behind me encouraging me and kicking me in the arse. I posted about this yesterday but my phone crashed and I lost it. I've decided to put off any further action on the business until after Easter when daughter and I are going away for a few days. It'd be madness to try and take on any work now then tell them it'll be three weeks until I can come out and undertake the work, plus it'll hopefully give me the opportunity to steel myself and get into the right frame of mind to take the business into success from the start.

I'm still lonely
Having daughter around is great and, really, a godsend in that if she weren't around I'd be back on my own again and probably feeling considerably more lonely than I already do. I regularly regret not having forged a strong and lasting relationship with someone a long time ago and not being in the position to do so now. I say that - I'm back to my good old self mostly so I do feel mentally ready to take on a relationship, but logistically it's not the right time. I'm aware it'll take more than just having the right frame of mind to get into a healthy relationship with someone - maybe even a move away, making new friends or visiting different places regularly. I'm confident I'll get there eventually, but that still doesn't stop me really pining for cuddles and tickles and... Just some attention.

I'm generally feeling much better today
I've written the second half of this post the day after I wrote the first. I was pretty tired, stressed, low and slightly hung-over which are all ingredients for a melancholy me. Fortunately, having got my food blog back underway and had a little time to myself last night, I feel much better today and definitely less stressed. This is partly down to having taken the weight of the new business off my shoulders somewhat, partly thanks to daughter being in a good mood last night, and partly thanks to a solid - if prematurely-broken - night's sleep.

Some really positive news arrived last week

in the form of confirmation that housing benefit and child benefit have both been awarded. I was pleased about the child benefit - an extra £20 a week pays most of daughter's food budget for the week - but I cried like a baby and bounced around the room when I opened the housing benefit letter. The council are effectively paying all of our rent meaning that, with the child benefit included, our income increased by 60% in the space of a couple of days.

I'm not a particularly greedy man. I'd love to see my bank accounts bristling with thousands of pounds and feel the comfort of money propping me up, but that's not why I'm so pleased about getting the benefits through. I'm pleased about the housing benefit particularly because the fact that we've been awarded the full amount proves we've been surviving really well on a very low income. We haven't struggled much - occasionally I've managed to save ten or twenty quid a week - but it's incredible to think that now we'll be able to loosen the purse strings a little and save a bit of money.

As both benefits have been back-dated a couple of weeks, there's a small chunk of cash sitting in my account and while a reasonable portion of it will be ploughed into the new business as my contribution toward a bank loan, I've decided to take daughter and I to see her maternal grandparents by the sea in the south for a few days over Easter, by way of celebration and reward. It'll be the one-year anniversary of daughter moving in with me too. They've said we're very welcome which is absolutely lovely - the phrase was actually 'It would make our Easter' which fills me with pride. Not only will we get to the seaside for two or three days but I might get to see a few of my internet chums as part of the trip. I've wanted to go to one of their bashes for a year or two and now it seems I might just get the chance to attend this year's Easter bash. Daughter will get to spend time with her grandparents who absolutely dote on her and I know we'll be warmly welcomed so it seems like too good an opportunity to miss.

The main thing this news has brought is security. Instead of getting to the end of my earnings every week, we'll have some spare cash to do normal things like go to the movies, eat out occasionally, replace school uniform that's worn out, without having to pre-plan and save to make it happen. I suppose being 'normal' is all I want - being super-rich would be nice but I know it's not achievable in the short-term, so it's wonderful to be getting close to 'normal' now, even if it is with a little government help. Having dreamed what a difference this extra money can make, battled with my pride and finally applied for and been awarded the benefits, I now want to get to this level of income off my own back so I can stand on my own two feet and support my daughter with my own earnings. I can imagine how proud that will make me, and now I have more motivation than ever to get the business off the ground.

Food for thought: three courses

I'd put off talking to my brother about helping out with the start-up of my business. It'd been on my mind for a few months to approach him about funding the business but I put it off because I knew pretty much what his answer was going to be and that his answer would be littered with rhetorical advice and insights and constructive criticism. All the advice was good - great in fact - but that didn't stop some of it pushing buttons I'm so practiced at ignoring.

His words have made me face up to a couple of things. First, that my inherent skill with computers during my youth led to having the world offered to me on a plate. I was poached from my first proper job at 19 with a nice wage and a grand in the bank because someone obviously recognised my talent and I was in the right place at the right time. The work was incredibly easy for me and I was praised and lauded and encouraged. When things got too big for me, we took someone else on who I trained and worked alongside and so the company expanded based on my expertise.

At 21 I met daughter's mother and she fell pregnant and everything changed. The company expanded and I got left behind, stunted by my pride and expectation that the plate would still be offered, and virtually crippled by depression and a need to focus energy on my home life. People developed and were promoted around me, the quality of my work fell off dramatically and the effort required to be a functioning member of the company wasn't put in. I probably stayed four or five years longer than I should have and I know many people resented my presence there - I don't blame them and I would have felt the same. I got into a spiral of distraction and addiction to internet chat and games, beating myself up because I wasn't doing my bosses proud and feeding the cycle of failure, blame and self-destruction.

Wow, that got a bit deeper than I thought it would, but that's good. Hopefully it shows just how deeply ingrained this behaviour is and how it formed. The advice from my brother that triggered the realisation that this is a significant part of my history was simple; he asked what I've done so far to try and get the money. He said if I really wanted it, despite my low wage I'd have saved-up or got a second job or changed jobs to increase my income so I could save money to put up against a loan.

This made me think something which didn't suprise me but does need looking at: I want someone to do it for me. If not that, at least to help me and motivate me to keep things moving. I've been aware for a long time that I lack self-motivation and need a kick in the arse to get things done. It occurs to me now that the kick in the arse usually comes along in the form of ultimatums, absolute deadlines, threat of fines or alienation. What I need is a self-kick-in-the-arse mechanism and I need to start work on one right now.

I've been given some good motivation by my brother, though. If I go out and tout for business and drop leaflets and knock on doors, not only will I get an idea of what return on 'advertising' I'll get for my business plan but I'll hopefully gain a day or two's work to tempt the bank with. If I can get my bank to agree to lend me a portion of the money I need, he'll lend me the 'deposit' portion of the start-up funds. This is a great offer because it gives me a carrot to chase. Now I need to motivate myself to get a printer, sort my leaflets out, run around a few estates here in town and see if I can muster enough work to drum up financial interest in the business.

Now, to go and read about self-motivation. I'm really pleased I've had this insight into how my past behaviour has effected how I act now and hopefully with this bit of insider information I can adjust my actions to help move me, and this new business, forward.

Anger management

For more than a decade, I didn't get angry, not a shade of it. I didn't lose my temper, I avoided confrontation at all costs and buried any anger deep in my subconscious. I put up barriers and created coping strategies which effectively banished anger for good. Or so I thought.

When daughter's mother and I split up, I remember telling myself "That's it. No more anger." I just cut it off there and then, stopped it whenever it came and dismissed it. There was so much about the relationship that was wrong and I used to get very angry. Her mother was incredibly dishonest and confrontational - on this latter point she told me shortly after we separated that she 'enjoyed arguments because they gave her a buzz'. I was very chilled almost to the point of personal pacifism, so we were distinctly opposite in many ways.

So effective was my banishing of anger that for a long time I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt it. Unfortunately, instead of feeling it, I buried it and didn't let it out and it caused, using my own analogy, a festering rotting decay in a dark, closed room at the back of my mind. This room was well sealed but eventually it became so full it started to leak and infect other aspects of my personality and emotions. Eventually it got so bad that I had to find help to get past it.

At the time I didn't know that's what was happening. It's only with a lot of hard work, introspection and reflection that it's clear to me now. Of course, it's not just the anger that screwed me up - I made a lot of poor emotional choices driven by many urges and impulses and a lot of things got tangled and blurred, but recognising and dealing with the anger was a reasonable part of my treatment. Whenever I was encouraged to discuss anger, I'd get this mental white noise which stopped me confronting it. I admitted I was so afraid to face the anger inside because it felt like a super-volcano and if I let it erupt it'd never stop, I'd hurt people and myself and things and christ, I did everything possible to avoid that.

What is obvious now is that by coming to terms with the anger, recognising it for what it is and what is represents, knowing where it came from and having control over where it's going, is very important and in fact imperative for progression. Every day I learn something which contributes towards my personal development and I'm incredibly fortunate to have found a way to be at ease with all the emotions I have. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be where I am now without resolving this key aspect of my mental make-up.