Resentment

Well, here's a hard post to write. I have some bubbling tensions that I need to address and see the positives as opposed to the negatives. It's particularly hard in this instance because I'm not sure I can actually achieve the projected end result, and there's an awful lot of sacrifice to be made in the meantime to achieve it. If I do, it'll be Totally Worth It but I'm struggling to see it.

In October I'm due to fly to Australia to spend four weeks with Tess, meet her family and take in where she comes from. This is very exciting for me; I've not flown or been abroad in years, I never really dreamed of going to Australia, let alone being given a guided tour by an Aussie, and to have that to aim for is just incredible. All this, and I get to spend a month with the girl of my dreams, getting to know her again, mind and body, the chance to fall in love all over again, to reaffirm why we're doing this.

Between now and October, I'm saving. I'm tightening the belt. I'm paying off some debts and keeping the household running and trying to plough whatever's left over into a savings account to pay for transfers, tickets and spending money for the trip, and keep daughter in school lunches and clubs and weekend spending while I'm away. And here's where the resentment comes in: I feel like I'm sacrificing an awful lot to get the trip together when, still, I have no real concept of the long-term of our relationship. All I can see is October, November then home, and nothing afterwards.

The sacrifices, there're a few. I'm almost positive Sophie and I won't be having a holiday together this year. That generally costs between £100 and £350, takes place during the summer holidays and involves hiring a car and travelling around to the seaside, staying places and hitting the beach. We've done it a couple of times since she moved in and we've really, really enjoyed it. To think that this won't happen this year is pretty sad, not just for me but for her too. I'll have to make sure I've got some money to send her down to her grandparent's place for a week or so, so that at least she gets a break. The thought occurring that I won't have a holiday and can't afford to take a day off until October actually hurts, but I'll have to think about that at another time.

I'm not spending money on the flat. There are a few things that still need sorting, fixtures and fittings, curtains, a wardrobe for my room and lots of things for the kitchen. If I'm to hit the target for the trip, I find it so hard to justify spending anything on these things. It's tough because despite all the initial excitement behind moving in, getting ourselves set up and settling down into a home, that all feels like it's come to a shuddering halt and it's gutting. Daughter desperately wants curtains in her room, and for a good reason. I've just been putting it off because I know it's another £20 or £30 out of the budget and every time I justify spending money like that I know it's a step closer to not having enough money for the trip.

I'm restricting my social life. I've allowed an £11.30 a day food budget for Sophie and I, and that doesn't include any socialising. I've been asked out for a birthday dinner this weekend and my instant reaction was "I can't afford it". I knew moving into this flat that I'd have less money but with the help we get with rent we'd have lived reasonably comfortably and been able to do these things. Now with this proportion of income being put into savings, it just feels like we're giving a lot up.

If it was just me, I could probably cope. When the tightening of the belt starts to make a difference in Sophie's life, as it does with the holiday and in the amount of money I can slip into her hand on a regular basis, that's when it starts to become hard.

Perhaps I need to sit down and do my budget again to get my head around everything. I need to look at the specifics of my utility outgoings, how much I'm spending on food, factor in other savings for Sophie going away during the summer holidays and for socialising.

This is all off the back of a week of work to wallow in self-pity. I'm not proud of it, at all, and I'm £200 down thanks to that. Feels a bit like self-destruction to be honest.

Jesus, this is hard work. Why am I concentrating and dwelling on the negative things? Because they're bugging me, I guess. I wonder what I can do to get past them?

I definitely, definitely need a new job. Higher income means more money means more to spend and as just much into savings. Now why can't I motivate myself to get the fucking thing done?