loving someone and wanting to hate her at the same time. It's not even like I want to hate her, but my brain is doing strange things, pointing the finger, holding things against her, building resentment. I don't want to be that person, but is my head conditioned to try and find someone to blame?
I guess part of the problem could be that I don't really want to love her any more. It's too painful. It's been painful since the last few days we spent together, knowing we'd be apart for too long. Now I know we'll be apart forever, all that pain and yearning is still there, but instead of being a gentle hum underlying day to day life, it's an occasional stab in the stomach. She still comes to mind a few times a day and I resent that now.
I've had to go through my photo screensavers and take pictures of her off. As much as I try to hold on to the great memories of December and January, seeing her face makes my stomach twist just like it used to, but now with added agony. I cuddle up to myself in bed and growl that I'm imagining spooning with her.
I'm fully aware that there's a large financial incentive behind this. I got my refund back - £417 out of £880. This is really the only thing I resent and regret about the whole affair, and I don't know why I can't just let it go. Repressed anger, probably. Even though I emailed her and told her I'm angry, I don't feel anywhere near like I've let it go yet.
I know now there's a strong urge to cry behind all this. I have cried but only the once, and I knew at the time it wouldn't be enough. I think I've got myself into a classic circle of feeling pain, blocking it and storing it, letting it eat at me and generate more pain, causing the circle to start again. I'm low again, turning to sleep and alcohol to dull my head and pass the time. I need to fill my time with more productive things, get another job to improve my income and give me more self-respect. At the moment I feel like I'm wasting away and that's not a great place to be.
I've put a hold on the alcohol, which was easier than I thought. I need to keep up the walking and maintain the momentum of 33 miles in a week. In fact, I'll increase my weekly target to ten miles a week instead of five, which should encourage two walks per week.
I don't really want to feel like this, but I guess I've let my head get the better of me. Instead of hiding and suppressing, I should be exploring and releasing.
