Certainty

While talking about uncertainty, I've noticed that there are a few things in life I'm certain about.

• I'm a good person. I try to live my life right, do the right thing for myself and other people and do good deeds. I'm generous with my attention, time and effort and love to make people smile.
  
• I'm a good dad. I care so much for my daughter, provide for her, support her and surprise her. I'm aware I'm a pain in the arse sometimes but I think if I didn't get on her case occasionally I wouldn't keep things balanced.
  
• I do truly have the best daughter in the world. I know people say this about their kids all the time, and I always think, sure, they're wonderful, but if you knew my daughter's background and how she's emerged from it like a butterfly from a chrysalis, beautiful, happy, bright, sociable and funny... having her full-time as she turns from girl to woman has helped me appreciate her infinitely more than simple weekend access could ever have done. Seeing her for a few minutes in the morning, then anything between a few minutes to an entire evening every day is a heavenly experience.
  
• I'm a capable adult. I've run an efficient household and been a full-time, single parent for the past eighteen months and bar a few hiccups I think I've done pretty bloody well. I've kept my bank account in the black, managed some savings until recently when we moved house and I spanked it all on frivolous stuff like carpet and a fridge. I've paid a couple of old debts that cropped up and want to clear a couple more too. All this is pretty new for me; I used to be terrible with money and had no foresight in how I used it. Much like the rest of my life during my depression, I spent money in the moment and didn't really plan how far it'd go or learn from how much I struggled at the end of each month. Now, I simply won't live like that and will make sacrifices to ensure we always have money available.
  
• I have brilliant friends and family. Every time I reflect on this it fills me with enormous self-esteem: I know these people love me because of who I am. It took me many long years to realise this, and now my friends and family are probably the most important thing in my life, not just because of their esteem-building properties but mainly because they are incredible individuals, man, woman and child.
  
• I'm attractive to the opposite sex. Various things have pointed to this recently and I've had to sit up and take note: I'm a catch. Let's hope Miss Right comes along sometime soon and notices this too.

There we go then. Uncertainty seems to revert me back to old behaviour, but there's plenty of modern action that counters it. It's been a few days since I started writing this post and I've already felt the benefits of making the association between that old behaviour and my new skills that balance it out. Exploring all this has been very helpful and I know I'll come back and reflect on this down the line. Having this record of the realisations and processes involved in coming to terms with particular feelings will seriously help that reflection, and I think I'll schedule writing about this again in future to see what progress I've made.

Uncertainty

After my ex and I separated, I went round to her new house to see my daughter and try to keep things cordial. During a casual chat she told me something which I remember clearly to this day:

I really enjoy arguing, it gives me a buzz

What? You enjoy arguing? All this time I thought I was a bastard, I had done you wrong or annoyed you in some way, but really you started all those fights to get yourself a fix? You fucking freak. Do you have any idea what all this arguing has done to me? I split us up because I didn't want our daughter growing up like I did, in a house where their parents argued angrily all the time. I suffered horrendous depression and a deep attraction to weed and alcohol, an obsession with internet chat, to escape all the shit we went through together, all the manipulation and aggression after we split up and all the times you threatened to withhold access to our daughter if I didn't pay you more child support.

I really was, and still am, astonished by all this, but it does remind me of the comment my friend made in this post:

"It's perfectly natural and understandable, your ex's actions and behaviour manipulated you so totally that you had zero control of the situation, it's become almost an intrinsic part of your nature to compensate for that now. Could it also be a security/safety thing? In order to feel safe inside yourself, you need things to go to an organised plan... when that doesn't pan out, it freaks you more than it should? Takes you back to how you felt 12 years ago?"

When uncertainty arises it transports me back to being a small boy, frightened that the world is going to shatter around him. It changes my "mode" into that of a fearful man confused by his girlfriend's mood swings and unfounded aggression.

So, uncertainty equals fear. This leads to something I've been telling myself since I realised uncertainty was causing me emotional grief: It generally works out in the end. Life's been going pretty well recently. We've had some brilliant luck with our new flat and some wonderful help from friends and family alike.

I'm on the case, I'm in control and I'm tougher than I thought I was. For example, I've had some financial worry over the past few days because benefits screwed up my change of circumstances assessment. I noticed it, contacted them, they told me a payment would be made on Monday and I made arrangements based on that. A few days later, when their payment hadn't come through as discussed, I panicked and phoned them, sorted it and made up the difference by borrowing a little cash to make sure my rent went out and I didn't get any bounced payments. Result. I even asked my account manager for a small temporary overdraft to cover the outgoings without success, but I tried. The payment actually came in on time and everything's gone out smoothly so, despite my worry and stress about it, everything worked out in the end, thanks to me.

Thanks to me and my wonderful new proactive get-it-all-sorted attitude. I'm not burying my head in the sand any more, I'm making this work. Uncertainty may breed fear, but I feel the fear and do it anyway. I started reading a book called "Feel the fear and do it anyway" before the summer but got distracted by shiny things. I put it on my new bookshelf in my new flat yesterday and thought "I really should read that properly" so I'll dig it out tonight and put it by my bed.

Everything works out in the end, so accept the uncertainty, feel the fear and do it anyway. Sounds perfect. Now to help myself believe it.